What it feels like when Dalton is gone…

I cannot for the life of me remember who originally shared this video when it showed up on my Facebook feed, but it had to be passed along.

At the time, Dalton (my super-sexy live-in lumberjack…well, Wildland Fire Fighter) was in California fighting the Washington fire and I was at home, sequestered alone in my darkened living room, memorizing lines for a play I wouldn’t have the opportunity to rehearse and grieving for a friend who had just passed. At the time, Dalton didn’t have cell phone service so I spent a lot of the time in the tub, crying. Ya know, like you do.

Anyway, I saw this video and it spoke to me. This is exactly what it’s like to have Dalton gone during fire season. I mean, not literally, but it captures the idea perfectly.

It’s the constant reminder as you go through your daily routine that your life isn’t actually cool or fun…. A lot like going through the motions of making party food for more friends than you have in existence.

Or the sadness of no one hearing the stupid day-to-day stuff that you forget about when you go to bed every night but that kind of makes up the bulk of your life….Similar to the caliber of sadness that drives you to over-share your banal moments strangers by uploading depressing videos of yourself making nachos.

It makes everything I do feel trite and futile….A lot like making a cooking tutorial about something that every 8-year-old figured out right after they learned how to read a digital clock and words like “Power” and “Reset”.

It doesn’t feel like that the whole time though. It’s intermittent. But frequently enough to know that even in the moments when you feel okay and like things are going well, you’re gonna feel crappy again really soon…. It makes me think about how much more exciting life is when you have someone trying to tickle the crap out of you or eat your arms off or shoot you with imaginary laser guns.

When Dalton left this morning we weren’t sure if he’d be coming home before his next fire so I woke up early to make coffee and…*ehem*…sleep on the couch while he got ready to go. I’m lucky we had time to enjoy our weekend and spend some quality time together, but I’m gonna miss that big, silly bear of a man :)


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