So, let’s say you open your inbox to this message one day:
My first reaction was, “What an ass.”
And then I was like, hey, maybe this is his sense of humor and he’s actually clever and endearing when you get past his sass. After all, I say terrible things to my loved ones because I’m a sarcastic fuck of a human being and they trust me not to be legitimately over-the-line mean and I trust them to know that it’s my sense of humor and not take me seriously.
So I was like, I’ll read this guys profile. Maybe he’s trying to find a like-minded sarcastic fuck and we’d mesh okay in real life. So, let’s all take a brief moment to enjoy his profile which 2012 Jessica had the wherewithal to screenshot. (*High five, girl!*)
This man is an American treasure.
I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being a little self-deprecating every so often, but this guy is painting himself as bringing nothing to the table and THEN presenting hilariously unrealistic criteria for any carbon-based sentient being that might be itching for the privilege of basking in his ineptitude.
Also: No health insurance + wants to have a kid + doesn’t like people = the origin story of a “Criminal Minds”-esque serial killer whose first victims are the neglectful, narcissistic parents.
This is what I said:
I seem to have lost my shit and all faith in humanity. Boys will do that to you sometimes.