My online dating archives (part 5: Self-deprecating AND demanding…where do I sign up?)

So, let’s say you open your inbox to this message one day:

2012-07-04 OkCupid Convo

My first reaction was, “What an ass.”

And then I was like, hey, maybe this is his sense of humor and he’s actually clever and endearing when you get past his sass. After all, I say terrible things to my loved ones because I’m a sarcastic fuck of a human being and they trust me not to be legitimately over-the-line mean and I trust them to know that it’s my sense of humor and not take me seriously.

So I was like, I’ll read this guys profile. Maybe he’s trying to find a like-minded sarcastic fuck and we’d mesh okay in real life. So, let’s all take a brief moment to enjoy his profile which 2012 Jessica had the wherewithal to screenshot. (*High five, girl!*)

OkCupid Profile  42   M  Idaho

This man is an American treasure.

I mean, there’s nothing wrong with being a little self-deprecating every so often, but this guy is painting himself as bringing nothing to the table and THEN presenting hilariously unrealistic criteria for any carbon-based sentient being that might be itching for the privilege of basking in his ineptitude.

Also: No health insurance + wants to have a kid + doesn’t like people = the origin story of a “Criminal Minds”-esque serial killer whose first victims are the neglectful, narcissistic parents.

This is what I said:

2012-07-04 OkCupid Convo

I seem to have lost my shit and all faith in humanity. Boys will do that to you sometimes.


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