My online dating archives (part 6: LAST ONE! Trust me, I saved the best for last)

Alright, friends, this is my last one and I’m glad to be done with this series. Reading through this shit again has brought me back to remembering just how thoughtless people can be. EVEN PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO IMPRESS YOU. It’s crazy when you think about it.

So, you’ll want to buckle up for this last one. It’s pretty long partially because this guy does not know when to move on and partially because I’m a dumbass who doesn’t know when to just shut my mouth and block a guy.2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 01

Okay, the stats don’t look great, but let’s take a look at what you’re all about….

OkCupid 27   M   Provo  Utah

Okay, so it’s obvious to anyone who has ever met me that this guy is not the guy. This is the exact opposite of anyone I would even willingly hang out with. This one is a no-brainer.

And of course I’m already wary and annoyed. When someone like this contacts me I can’t help but think that they want to change me. They think that I just haven’t put enough thought into my decisions and beliefs and that they’re so smart! If they just talk to me about why everything I believe based on my own experience and thoughtful consideration is wrong they can change my pretty little mind.

I think all of this, but still, I try to be polite when I tell him I’m not interested:

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 02

“I’m sorry you’ve had the misfortune of dating that kind”? What kind? I didn’t say anything about why I don’t date LDS guys. Did you even read what I wrote?

Of course there are pushy opportunists in any subset of men, but that was never my issue dating a Mormon. Also, this kind of interaction with the occasional LDS guy is normal. I usually clarify my position with some version of the following explanation and they kindly bow out without incident:

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 03

He just insulted me on every point.

First of all, I should throw my “not dating LDS guys” rule out because if I were using my “common sense” I’d just be able to see that he should be the exception to my rule. It’s like he didn’t even hear me tell him about the experiences that brought me to that decision. Again, great listener and thank you for invalidating my experiences.

Also, notice that he says he has, “absolutely no guilt when in comes to talking about sex.” Not the same thing as having sex. Did he think I wouldn’t notice?

And the implication that having sex makes people whores with STDs who could have dozens of illegitimate babies and cheat all the time? He’s never heard of contraception or doesn’t know how it works or, believe in it or…..something? If I tell him that fairies make up the largest condom factory worker’s union in the United States and the primary active ingredient in ortho tri cyclen is magic dust would he believe that they worked?

And, to top that off he calls my decision to not have children “selfish”. Not taking into account that I might have a better idea of what my strengths and weaknesses are than he does and that I might know what I’m interested in and where I want my life to go. No, all people should want children because who is going to take care of all the babies if no one is around to make them?

Looking back on this, I don’t understand my restraint at this point:

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 04

Calling it an “eternal romance” is, again, the creepiest possible thing to call a relationship.

And I love how his tone says, “Okay, I guess you don’t want this delicious eternal romance. More for me…”

So, I should have just dropped it, but there is something wrong with me.

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 05

What I said up there? I meant it. It’s good advice for anyone willing to take it.

But what I failed to remember is that people don’t really want advice. Even people who solicit it.

Notice how he counters my “girls are people too” speech with a completely different angle:

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 06

Something tells me that his criteria for identifying “trashy girls” is whether or not they reject him.

And on the surface, there’s this glimmer hope that he wants something more than a vapid blowup doll to spend his days with. He SAYS he wants a warrior princess but at the end of the day, he’s never seen a real woman in his life and he never will if he doesn’t delve deeper than the surface-level tropes he categorizes them as now.

As fun and easy and satisfying as it is to say, “Bitches are crazy” to excuse behavior toward you, it doesn’t get you anywhere. Our behavior can be explained and sorted out, but so few men bother to try.

I also love how he seems to forget that I mentioned I was a feminist in my profile and feels I need his advice on how to best empower myself. He thinks women should behave like the female characters [and magical ponies] in popular media that he likes.

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 07

Excuse me? Did you just fucking say that after I asked you to consider attempting to think about women as nuanced, complex, multi-dimensional beings? This is the moment I can feel myself starting to lose it with this guy….

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 08

….I said I wasn’t interested kindly for the 3rd time.

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 09

“I’m a missionary so I’m pretty much used to the idea that some people aren’t going to be interested even if what I have to offer is exactly what they’re looking for.”

That line rings in my head all the time actually. Not many boys have said it outright to my face, but the sentiment is under the surface in a lot of interactions.

That I wouldn’t be interested in the church is inconceivable to a lot of dogmatic members. Sure, there are lovely parts and parts that I’ll remember fondly, but as a whole it was impossible for me to be happy there. I earned my stance on the church over years of praying and tears and hating myself. I earned it. Anyone who says The Church has something that I need that nothing else in the world can provide doesn’t know what I need.

And I tried the whole, love-can-conquer-anything-who-cares-if-our-belief-systems-don’t-coincide thing in my dating life. I’ve put up with so many boyfriends talking “at” instead of “to” me about why they are right and I should think what they do or be more like what they need without making any compromises on their end. I have done my time putting up with the cheating, abuse, neglect and sheer stupidity of some really spectacular jackasses. I know what I need in a relationship from experience. I earned it.

This fuck-face. This stupid, patriarchal, white male privileged boy who doesn’t read, or listen to any of the words coming out of my mouth wants to tell me what’s good for me…..

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 10

I’m not the slightest bit sorry.

2012-06-18 OkCupid   Convo - 11

Well, there’s no arguing with crazy. At least I know that my insolence has been forgiven :)

And, honestly, I feel like time is the best avenger. His profile name was actually really close to his real name and I reverse-looked up his profile pictures on Google images and found his Facebook account. Yes, as of writing this, he is still single.

Self-respecting women: 10; This guy: 0.

Revisiting all of these stupid interactions has made me want to take a minute to say to my boyfriend, Dalton, how really really super-duper grateful I am to have him in my life. He did not get me in mint condition or even at a time when I could devote a lot of energy to a relationship.

He’s significantly younger than me, which was a huge deal-breaker. Age is only a number if you’re not immature and selfish, but Dalton is neither of those things.

I let my guard down because I saw how he was with his siblings and how much they love him and want to be around him. And I fell in love with him when he was willing to be in my life with me and invited me into his. I remember being so unsure the first time he suggested we to go to the grocery store together to pick up some stuff we both needed. It had been like pulling teeth to get other boys to get off the couch for anything. They’d rejoin me when I was doing something fun.

One late night in 2013 I sat on his couch listening to him talk about the book Fight Club; how it got him through the hardest part of his life and helped him form his personal manifesto. I guess to most girls, a guy telling you they’ve based their life philosophy on a Chuck Palaniuk novel should be a cue to start rifling through their purse for pepper spray and backing out the door slowly, but I was just grateful he was willing to be honest with me about his feelings and where he was in his life at the moment. It was honest. The good, messy kind.

My sister was getting married and we were selling our house, so Dalton came over to help me paint. We had the window open and it was raining softly outside and we listened to Kendrick Lamar, Angel Haze, & Reggie Watts and he thought it was funny I liked that kind of music. It was this beautiful, fun mundane.

The first time he ever took out the trash, I was so grateful I cried. I was so overwhelmed in those months and the house was a mess and he just jumped in and did something.

I usually had to be up for work earlier than he did and he got up to make me coffee and eggs on nights I slept over at his place.

It was all of these things, these tiny things that made me trust him in spite of myself. It’s this kind of thing that makes him so lovely to be around on a day-to-day basis. How could I not love him?

And he just continually proves himself over and over. A lot of guys preach about wanting to have a strong, fiery woman, but don’t understand that at times, that fire is going to be aimed in their direction. It’s not always butterflies and rainbows and every argument teaches us how to do it better, but he doesn’t just give up. He doesn’t try to manipulate me by threatening to.

I love that he doesn’t take shit from me either. He calls me out if I need to be and challenges my perceptions of issues I thought I was settled on from time to time. I mean, I don’t love it in the moment, but I’m still grateful for it.

He knows that it’s work to be in a relationship. Most people do. I’m just happy that he’s willing to actually do it when we hit rough patches.

Anyway, I guess my  point is that there’s hope? And if you’re looking for love try not to over-think it. And don’t under-think it either.

Just, don’t be a jerk.

 

 

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My online dating archives (Part 3: If she doesn’t want to date me there’s only one possible reason)

I have to admit, this one is pretty bitchy. But again, the majority of these messages I’m responding to give no indication that the guy read my profile at all. And responding to between 30 and 50 messages a day in a way that was thoughtful had turned into a maddening task.

2012-05-20 OkCupid Convo

2012-05-20 OkCupid Convo

And, there we go. You look fine. I didn’t say anything about what I want my ideal guy to look like. You are a smoker though, and you can’t tell me why you think we’d be a good match based on the information given.

And those smart-ass comments you took offense to at every opportunity? That’s my sense of humor. That’s me trying to salvage the conversation to make it something that’s remotely palatable for my sensibilities. It’s what I do to make sure you’re paying attention because you can’t dial-in a meaningful conversation. If I’m going to take time to compose thoughtful responses to your messages I don’t want to be getting back the same painfully boring homogenized correspondence you’re sending out to everyone else. I’m a person. I’m a person. I gave you all the tools to see that I’m a person.

You can respond in-kind and we can joke around or you can take the fact that I didn’t react in the exact way that you envisioned as a direct insult.

My online dating archives…(part 2)

I don’t think this one needs any explanation:

2012-05-17 OkCupid   Conversation

OkCupid   profile 1One of my biggest pet peeves: people who don’t read or pay attention. If you can’t do it when you can take your time why should I think you would listen to me in person?

My online dating archives (part 1)

Oh man, I came across some of the best shit this weekend while I was looking for some fodder for a web series I’ve been writing.

I remembered that during my last round of online dating I took some screenshots of some of the more interesting interactions I’d had and MAN I forgot how hilarious some of these were.

Before going into the whole online dating thing I made a few rules and principles for my interactions. My first rule was to respond to everyone who reached out to me. After all, it’s hard to put yourself out there, but in retrospect this was actually a huge mistake. I’ll explain more on that in another post I’m sure.

I also wasn’t going to let myself get pushed around or manipulated (something that happened to me a lot dating in my early 20s). I wasn’t going to feel bad about setting boundaries and saying no thank you if we didn’t mesh.

I also write a damned good profile if I say so myself. There are a few things I know I need out of a relationship based on past experience that I clearly state. I try to mention a wide array of my interests to increase the chances that we have something to talk about. AND…and I feel like this is important: I don’t put up my favorite pictures of myself. I put up the ones that I feel look like me on a normal day. I was very clear about wanting a relationship and not just sex.

And I did meet up with a few nice people and have some good conversations, but the bad shit….the really bad shit needed to be screen-shotted and documented for posterity. Obviously, I didn’t know what I’d do with it when I saved it or I would have done something with it by now.

…but better late than never!

This first guy hit me up before I had my profile actually written up or any pictures though. The only information I did have was the basics: religious affiliation, age range I’m looking for, non-smoking…that kind of thing.

2012-05-11 OkCupid Convo

If there is one thing I am grateful for, it’s that I’m dating such a stand up guy now. Dalton, if you’re reading this, I love you and you’re wonderful. Not even just compared to other people.

Like, you are stand-alone, unprecedented great.